While sitting in a dentist chair – again – a few days ago waiting for my speech to slur, my cheek to get fat, as I prepared for yet another crown, I thought about the experiences had in this position. I find myself routinely thinking about past dentists and the “stories” I seem to have whenever I have an appointment. This particular appointment was no different in its oddities from others as the dental assistant could not seem to get my temporarily cemented permanent crown off the molar that I was in for a week ago (I won’t even go into that logic…cause I don’t know what logic it is…permanent and temporary in the same sentence).

If I were to categorize my “stories” by a profession, dentistry would most likely have the largest selection of tales to be told. Here’s a sampling:

#1: I was told by a boss that the best way to endure a dentist appointment is with “the gas”. So I asked my dentist for gas the next time in. His assistant set me up with this nose mask thingy; told me to breathe normally; it would relax me – like I had just finished a beer – making the dentist’s job easier. She left the room while I waited for the dentist. The wall decor of the room had one of those wallpaper forest scenes from floor to ceiling. Being in the profession I am, I quickly identified the forest trees as Aspen. Suddenly a breeze came up in that wallpaper scene and I’ll be damned if those leaves didn’t start “quaking”. Now I will be the first to admit, I don’t breathe normally –  like a good hardy laugh I like to breathe from the toes. Next thing I knew, and the deeper I breathed “the gas”, the stronger the wind was blowing through the trees. As most of us probably do while in a dentist chair, my feet were crossed at the ankles while sitting in the chair. The wind got so strong at one point it blew my feet apart and one limply plopped to the floor. Then I started to chuckle. My chuckle turned into a laugh when I started laughing at the fact I was laughing…at myself and by myself. Enter the nurse stage right. She said “How we feeling?”. “Like I’ve had a 6-pack”. Her head jerked to the gas bottle gauge and she exclaimed aloud “oh my god”. Needless to say I got pure oxygen the rest of the appointment…but you know those Aspen leaves never did stop blowing in the wind.

#2: After getting a thorough teeth cleaning one day, the dentist wanted an updated full mouth xray of the choppers. So the assistant positioned that oh-so-comfortable plastic wedge in my mouth and reached for the accordion arm xray machine mounted on the wall. She pulled it to the side of my jaw and the machine promptly fell off its mount and into my lap. I don’t know the value of an xray machine but I do know I saved that dentist a huge equipment repair bill…and all I got for my trouble was one of those plastic kid rings after paying my bill, and a sore shoulder to go along with the sore gums. I’m sure my file xray is an interesting read as I just know for a fact that that machine took a non-dental picture of me while it sat in my lap. That would be at least one cavity I don’t need a filling for….

 #3: My first visit to a new dentist was for a toothache. He came into the room to introduce himself once I settled into the chair. He had to first finish up a patient, but he would get me numb now and be back soon to start in on my work. I picked up a magazine and began my wait. Within a couple minutes, an assistant came running from the back to the front desk…she then ran back to whence she came after a few seconds. Then here comes the Dentist on a full sprint from the back, to the front desk. On his return leg of the relay he glanced in a saw me looking at the commotion over the top of my magazine. He stopped, came back to me and said, “Mr. May, please do not be alarmed but in a few minutes you’re going to hear sirens and then  paramedics will be arriving at the office with a gurney.” And off he goes. Having never been to this Dentist, I thought now would probably be a good time to sneak out the front and pretend the appointment never happened. Nope. Curiosity got the best of me – sure as he said it the paramedics arrived and wheeled this poor man out the door. In comes the Dentist…with a nice sweat on his brow. Wheels up to me on his roller chair and says “now what are we needing to do?”. My reply was “we both need a cocktail about now and a rescheduled appointment”. He chuckled, re-numbed me, and drilled away. His other patient? He had a seizure in the chair. It was all I could do not to have (or fake) one myself. BTW, the dentist name was actually Dr. Payne.

#4: Needing a wisdom tooth extracted one day, I was in the chair of an oral surgeon. A nice man, with small hands, that had pulled FD Tiffany’s teeth a few months prior. He stood all of about waist high to me. I thought for sure I was going to have to lay on the floor for the appointment…or he was going to need a booster chair to reach my mouth. He cautioned me that my numbing shot would need to go through some “gristle” in the roof of my mouth and that it would make a “pop” sound in my head. Well it actually sounded like a damn balloon burst right next to the ear. Thankfully he had numbed the area of the numbing shot first – I probably would have had a real nice, ear piercing, girly sceam if not.  We waited…I got numb from the armpits up with that shot…and he started on the extraction. For lack of proper medical nomenclature, he put a pair of channel-locks in my mouth and started “working” the tooth. Then he grabbed the pliers with both hands and really started moving things around in my mouth. Though clenched teeth, the good doctor says “sometimes these guys are a little stubborn”. “No shit Sherlock” as I was now doing complete neck rolls following the conductor’s baton (pliers) in complete Exorcist-type head movements. Next thing I realize is that this short doctor no longer has his feet on the floor – he has gotten up in the chair with me for leverage, and has instructed his nurse to hold my head. Simply put, she was no near strong enough to stop the head rolls – so she put a deafening WWF head lock on me that blocked out all grunting noises the dentist was making. I’m thinking at this point all I needed was some leg stirrups and the assistant at the front desk could come in a deliver a child from me. Finally the tooth gives in, squeaking all the way out (I think to this day my toes are at least 1/2″ shorter than they were before the appointment). He holds up the tooth like he just won a leg of the Toure de France. They get me all packed with gauze and get an ice pack applied to the cheek. He then says to me, “we really need to get the other 3 wisdom teeth out soon”. It must have been my expression – he quickly changed the subject to post-operative treatment and handed me the bill. We didn’t schedule another extraction appointment and to this day have 75% of my wisdom still in my head.

With those, I think it’s safe to say “what’s up with this guy’s dentists?”. Medical professions as a whole has always treated me (no pun intended) as a Mr. Magoo. Odd things happen when I get sat down in a chair…or leaned over an exam table. Yes, I also have stories about my grab-your-ankles doctor – another time perhaps. I’m back in the dentist chair in 10 days – we’ll see what happens then.

tm