EHR: Shall we retire?

Email Humor Received (EHR): It is never too early to start thinking about retirement.  Here are some ideas, traits, facts, conditions, requirements, and necessities regarding where to live and what it’s going to take when that time comes.

Please know I not near clever enough to write this – it came in an email and I simply pass it on without authorship expressed or implied. But…it should cause you to smile at least once.

You may live in Phoenix, Arizona where…

  1. You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
  2. You’ve experienced condensation on your butt from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
  3. You can drive for 4  hours in one direction and never leave town.
  4. You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food
  5. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
  6. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!

You may live in California where…

  1. You make over $250,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
  2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  3. You know how to eat an artichoke
  4. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  5. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  6. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.

You may live in New York City where…

  1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  2. You may get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can’t find Wisconsin on a map.
  3. You think Central Park is “nature.”
  4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  5. You’ve worn out a car horn… that is, if you even have a car.
  6. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.

You may live in Maine where…

  1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco
  2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
  4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
  5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.

You may live in the Deep South where…

  1. You may rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
  3. “He needed killin’ ” is a valid defense.
  4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, Mary Beth, etc.
  5. Everything is either “in yonder,” “over yonder” or “out yonder.” (It’s important to know the difference, too).

You may live in Colorado where…

  1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and so he stops at the day care center.
  3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.

You may live in the Midwest where…

  1. You’ve never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  3. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
  4. You end sentences with a preposition: “Where’s my coat at?”
  5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, “It was different!”

Finally, you may live in Florida where.

  1. Dinner is 3:15 in the afternoon.
  2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind — even houses and cars.
  3. Everyone is able to recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  4. Road construction is an ongoing project.
  5. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless or cotton top people.

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